Though at first glance rape culture and bullying may seem like disparate issues, they have more in common than you might think. Both involve issues of power and sex(uality). Both are fueled by ignorance and fear. And, I believe, both of these issues could be mitigated by a commitment to more comprehensive sex education in schools.
My experience both as a learner and a teacher took place almost exclusively in Christian schools. While I believe most of the points I will outline below could apply to public and private schools alike, I want to focus specifically on these issues in a Christian school context for two reasons. First, I believe there are things that currently characterize Christian efforts at sex education that are particularly problematic in terms of bullying and rape culture. Second, I believe Christian schools ought to see combating the issues of rape culture and bullying as a moral imperative.
Abstinence
What are you doing?
Since most Christians believe the Bible to be clear about postponing sex until marriage, it is likely that if Christian schools are doing any sex education at all, they are promoting abstinence only. Perhaps they talk about how sex is wonderful and God designed it to be fun and pleasurable, but then they firmly pronounce this wonderful, fun, pleasurable thing ‘off limits’ to students. Sex is great; don’t do it. To say this is a confusing message for young people would be an understatement.
Why is this a problem?
The short answer is, of course, it doesn’t work. The research tells us this. Despite numerous studies, there is very little evidence that abstinence-only sex education delays sexual activity among young people. On the other hand, there is evidence to suggest that young people who have participated in comprehensive sex education programs are less likely to get pregnant, have abortions and transmit disease.
In addition being ineffective, abstinence only programs are much more likely to propagate rape culture and bullying in schools and society. Abstinence only programs can produce young people who are uneducated about their sexual rights and uninformed about sexual differences. This kind of ignorance can be dangerous as young people go in search of information on their own and find lots of negative and harmful influences along the way.
What should you be doing?
It’s time for a new narrative in Christian sex education, one that acknowledges reality for starters. Somewhere along the line we mistook talking with young people about good sex and safe sex for encouraging young people to go out and have sex. But since when does information = promotion? Can we have a little bit more faith in both our educators and our students that they can engage in frank discussions about sex, talk about safety and protection and even pleasure, without giving/receiving the impression that this information equals a free pass to go have sex with the next person they see?
Comprehensive sex education certainly includes teaching the value of abstinence. Delaying sexual activity has numerous benefits for both the health and well being of young people. But simply saying, ‘don’t do it’ is irresponsible, given what we know about the percentage of young people (including, gasp, Christians) who will engage in sexual behavior before they say ‘I do.’ We are failing them by not giving them the tools they need to make healthy decisions about sex and relationships.
Purity
What are you doing?
It is likely that if a Christian school promotes abstinence only sex education, they also talk a lot about the importance of purity. Simply stated, to remain ‘pure’ is to be absent from sexual sin, or virginal. The pressure to remain pure falls overwhelmingly on young girls who are often told in both subtle and overt ways that once they give in to sexual temptation, they have become ‘damaged goods.’ Boys, on the other hand, may be scolded for giving in to temptation, but their reputations tend to remain untarnished… after all, ‘boys will be boys.‘
The pressure on girls to remain pure and virginal and the tendency to place the responsibility for resisting sexual temptation on girls more than boys manifests itself in different ways in sex education programs. For example, it is very common in Christian schools to place a high value on modesty, especially when it comes to girls’ dress codes. Girls are told that they should cover up their bodies and avoid tight clothing lest they become a ‘stumbling block’ to the boys, causing their eyes to wander and lustful thoughts to overtake them. Boys are more visual creatures, girls are told, and so they can’t be trusted not to sexualize your bare shoulders, thighs or midriffs.
Why is this a problem?
This is where Christian programs for sex education (as well as related modesty codes for girls) do the most damage in contributing to rape culture. Rape culture is propagated in any context in which men have more power than women over their sexual choices. In the context of purity and modesty culture, women are expected to bear most of the burden for remaining virgins until married. They are also held responsible for men’s sexual deviance. Telling middle school girls not to wear leggings to school because the boys might be too distracted to do their algebra is just one step down the road to victim blaming in rape culture. How many times have you heard someone respond to rape allegations with, “well what was she wearing?” as if men should be let off the hook for sexual assault if too much of the victim’s thigh was showing. Not to mention the burden this puts on rape survivors, who, if they ascribe to the hallmarks of purity culture, must believe they are broken or dirty if they have been sexually assaulted.
We are doing just as terrible a disservice to boys with these kinds of harmful purity and modesty expectations as we are to girls. We are sending boys the message that they are weak and can’t help themselves. We are letting them off the hook for bad behavior rather than holding them accountable. We are lowering our expectations rather than raising them.
In addition, as several intelligent bloggers have pointed out, idolizing virginity and purity has a way of objectifying women and girls. It ties their worth to their sexual (or fashion) choices. It reduces their identity to whether or not they have been touched or looked at sexually by a man. This kind of objectification of women is the hallmark of rape culture.
What should you be doing?
First of all, sex education in Christian schools needs to communicate the same high standards about sexual behavior to both girls and boys alike. Boys need to be told, in no uncertain terms (And, yes, out loud. Let’s stop pretending the statistics don’t exist), that preventing sexual assault against women is entirely their responsibility and that they shouldn’t rape. We seem quite comfortable preaching other Biblical commands to our students, so the directive not to rape should be no exception.
Once that is made clear, Christian school sex education programs need to start being real about the fact that young people are engaging in physical, sexual relationships. Even if they don’t have sex, chances are they’re doing (or will be doing) lots of other physically intimate things. And they're experimenting with little or no direction, advice or information from trusted adults. In order to promote mutuality and give girls and boys the same amount of power over their sexual choices, the topic to focus on is ‘consent.’
There was a commercial that aired during this year’s super bowl in which a young high school boy, feeling empowered after being given the keys to his dad’s Audi, walks confidently into the prom and, kisses a tall, thin, pretty girl right on the lips. The boy is shown driving away afterwards with a black eye (presumably from the girl’s date who most likely was defending his property more than her honor) while the girl is shown breathlessly dreaming after him. A lot of people liked this commercial and most people probably thought it was a cute, romantic gesture. But let’s stop and think for a moment how that girl was positioned. She had zero power over her sexual choices in that moment. She was not asked whether or not she would like to be kissed or touched by this boy. She had no opportunity to give her consent. These kinds of messages that pit romance against consent appear all the time in popular culture and they are a big contributor to rape culture. After all, if a girl likes to be swept off her feet with an unexpected and unconsented kiss, what other sexual physical acts might she secretly welcome?
Verbal consent (ie. asking and responding out loud, directly and specifically) is a critical component of healthy sexuality and young people need to understand that. And, let’s remember that talking about the importance of consent in sexual relationships is not the same as encouraging young people to have sex. I’m not suggesting that educators tell young people that as long as they are consensual, they should feel free to pursue any sexual activity they desire. Consent should be a part of any intimate physical contact, even just hand-holding and kissing. Educating about the importance of consent empowers both young men and young women to make positive sexual choices and works to deconstruct rape culture in society.
Gender
What are you doing?
In addition to holding boys and girls to different standards about remaining virgins or sexually pure, Christian school sex education programs often fall into the dangerous trap of gender stereotyping and reinforcing a false gender binary. Raise your hand if much of your meager sex education in school happened in same-gender groups. You are not alone. This common practice operates under the assumption that girls and boys have inherently different concerns about sex and sexuality. It also assumes that girls and boys don’t need to know about each other’s sexuality. It is the first of many gestures that reinforce the false idea that girls and boys are wildly different creatures with wildly different kinds of sexualities and desires. For example, think about all the faith-based self-help programs for married (heterosexual) couples that base their entire curriculum on the supposed ‘innate differences’ between men and women. These kinds of narrow perspectives on gender identity and gender roles can breed both rape culture and bullying.
Why is this a problem?
Much of the bullying that happens in schools, particularly to boys, serves as a kind of policing of gender stereotypes. The most common way to insult a boy is to compare him to a girl. Both peers and adults (think of sports coaches) scrutinize boys’ gender identities by policing the way they walk, talk, dress and act. Girl bullying is also becoming increasingly common. Girls tend to police each other for things like body image and sexual behavior. Bullying in schools is a serious problem and I hope I don’t need to say too much to convince you of that. Promoting these rigid and artificial gender stereotypes can have a long and lasting negative impact on young people. And, gender stereotypes play a large role in supporting rape culture, too, as the traditional gender binary categorizes women as submissive, delicate and emotional while men are encouraged to be powerful, strong and decisive.
What should you be doing?
First, Christian schools should teach sex education with girls and boys in the same room and allow students to ask questions freely. Don’t be tempted to claim that all girls or all boys experience certain aspects of sexuality in the same way.
Second, promote gender diversity and use people-first language. Johnny is a human before he is a boy. Susie is a person who is also a girl. People’s sex organs do not define them. There is no ‘one way’ to be a boy-bodied person or a girl-bodied person. Young people need desperately to understand that and be encouraged in that. I read an article recently that contained this sentiment regarding gender diversity,
The God of the universe has not created more than 9 million species of animals, only to create two types of people. He has not created more than 315,000 species of plants, only to create "a man" and "a woman." He has created, instead, billions of wildly unique individuals.
Our sex education programs should reflect this wonderful and wild diversity and not fall into the same old narratives claiming absolute and fundamental differences between boys and girls.
Homosexuality
What are you doing?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that most Christian sex education programs don’t acknowledge the reality of homosexuality. If they aren’t openly decrying it, they are probably ignoring it and pretending it doesn’t exist. Of course, talking and teaching about sex in an authentic way requires a frank discussion of homosexuality. This is especially true because there are surely a good number of students at any Christian school in the country who will (or do already) identify as homosexual. These students need to be acknowledged and supported, not ignored.
Why is this a problem?
The bullying of homosexual kids is a damaging, and often deadly, problem, and Christian schools are not immune to it. In fact, in my experience, blatantly antagonistic behavior towards homosexuals or kids displaying identity markers that might be associated with homosexuality is worse in Christian schools than elsewhere. Christian school kids openly, and often without being corrected, use ‘gay’ as a derogatory term for anything they don’t like and express disgust at homosexual behavior. This is a problem on a number of levels, but most importantly, it creates a very dangerous atmosphere for young people who are questioning or coming to terms with their homosexual identity.
What should you be doing?
At the very least, Christian schools should be loving, safe and supportive places for all kids. This openness should be displayed in both the school culture as well as the curriculum. In terms of sex education programs, it’s time to start telling kids the truth about homosexuality. Young people need to know that same-sex attractions aren’t strange or bad and that they are not alone if they are experiencing them. It’s important to remember that the church is not of one mind on homosexual issues. Regardless of your perspective, homosexuality should be a part of any sex education curriculum. Bullying thrives in a context of ignorance and fear. Christian schools can protect vulnerable kids and help stop the terrible bullying trend by educating all young people about sexual differences.
Pornography
What are you doing?
Similar to the way they handle the topic of sex in general, I suspect most Christian schools opt not to talk about pornography except to say it’s bad and move on. In my experience, Christian schools talk about pornography mostly in the abstract and usually refer to it in the context of addiction. School officials put Internet blockers in place to try to shield sexually explicit materials from young people, but they don’t explain why these materials are negative or why young people might want to avoid them. On the issue of pornography, Christian schools are currently operating under an ‘ignorance is bliss’ mentality. They are not acknowledging the reality that, given its staggering availability, many of their students are getting most of their information about sex from porn.
Why is this a problem?
Of course, there are a lot of highly problematic aspects to pornography and I’m certainly not advocating including a balanced discussion on the merits of porn in sex education programs. Rather, I am arguing for the importance of sex education programs precisely because pornography is so problematic. Violent and misogynistic themes are rampant in heterosexual pornography. Rape culture thrives in pornographic contexts where women are portrayed as sexual objects, worthwhile only for the pleasure they can offer a man. In short, porn is a terrible horrible no good very bad place for young people (especially boys) to learn about sex.
What should you be doing?
This might be the most compelling reason for Christian schools to have sex education programs in the first place. Young people desperately need information to provide a counterpoint to the kind of sex depicted in pornography (and other mainstream media contexts, for that matter). It’s time to recognize that young people are going to learn about sex from somewhere, and if Christian schools want what they learn to be edifying and authentic, they need to take matters into their own hands.
Help
Thankfully, educators are not without resources. SIECUS has recently created a thorough set of guidelines for comprehensive sex education from grades K-12. Based on these guidelines, the Unitarian Universalist Church has written curriculum that also includes religious themes and standards. And, this is a fantastic resource for talking to kids as early as 1 year old about the importance of consent. With these kinds of materials readily available and given the moral imperative to fight bullying and rape culture, Christian schools are out of excuses for not implementing comprehensive sex education programs for all students.
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